The Assertiveness Workbook: How to
express your ideas
and stand up for yourself at work and in
relationships
Randy Paterson, Ph.D.
Published in 2000 by New Harbinger
Publications.
From the Introduction: Being There
Two kinds of people pick up books on assertiveness. Some want to polish
their image. They have a face they present to the world, and sometimes it
cracks. Sometimes the mask falls off. Sometimes people see through it. They
want to learn how to hold the mask more firmly, how to present it more rigidly,
how to prevent others from seeing them so easily. They have rejected
themselves, and they have decided that they want to choose the personality (or
lack of it) that they display to the world. Often they want to learn how to
control others more effectively. How to push others to agree with them, see
their way of doing things, do it their way.
Some of the skills in this book may help them in their
quest. But the book isn't written for them. At least, it's not written to help
them in the way they want to be helped.
Assertiveness isn't about building a good disguise. It's
about developing the courage to take the disguise off. It's designed to help
the other group of people. The ones who have already tried wearing a mask, and
have found they can't breathe very well with it on. They want to go out into
the world naked-faced, as themselves, but not defenseless. They want to be
themselves in a way that doesn't push others off-stage. In a way that invites
the people they meet to be more fully themselves too.
Assertiveness, then, is about being there.
Many people in today's society fear conflict and
criticism. They believe that in any conflict they would lose, and that any
criticism would crush them. They feel that they have no right to impose their
views - or for that matter, themselves - on the world. They have been trained
from childhood to believe that their role is to accept and live up to the
standards that other people impose. Being visible, being flawed, holding
opinions, or having wishes of their own all leave them open to attack.
Is this you?
The solution is to be invisible. To offer no opinion until
others have done so, and then only to agree. To go along with any request. To
impose no boundaries or barriers. To prevent yourself from ever saying "no." To
give up on directing your own life. To pacify those who might disapprove of
you. To hide your ideas, your dreams, your wishes, and your emotions. To dress,
act, and live in order to blend into the background and disappear. To exist not
so much as a person but as a mirror for other people: reflecting back
their ideas, their wishes, their expectations,
their hopes, and their goals. To reflect and thereby vanish.
Anything to keep yourself from really being there.
Unfortunately, this solution does not really work. Humans
are not meant to be invisible, or to live as reflections of the lives of
others. Extinguishing the self is not an option. It leads to greater fear, more
helplessness, sharper resentment, and deeper depression.
Other people see life as little more than a competition.
If they are not to become invisible themselves, then others will have to be
invisible. There is no choice. Their own views must be accepted. Their wishes
must be honored. Their way must be everyone's way. And should anyone not give
in, the anger will flow. The issue will be forced. And the wishes, hopes, and
desires of others will be ignored or trampled. To be there, other people
(with their inconvenient attitudes and opinions) will have to be absent.
Is this you?
The competitive approach doesn't work either. The anger is
never really satisfied. When others give in, it is never joyfully. And they
begin drifting away to the exits, leaving the angry person alone to resent the
desertion. The effort to control others makes life uncontrollable.
The real solution? To be there. Not to be perfect.
To expose our flaws, our irrational emotions and opinions, our strange
preferences, our incomprehensible dreams, our unaccountable tastes, and our
all-too-human selves to others. To be there. Not so that others will bow
down to us, or hide themselves from us. But in a way that invites others to be
there as well. A way that acknowledges the right of everyone to be every bit as
irrational, flawed, and human as we are.
Assertiveness is all about being there.
In this workbook you will learn about many of the basic
skills and ideas involved in being more fully present in your world and your
life. Many of these skills you already know. Some may be new. In order to bring
them into your life it will take practice and effort. S
Ready?
....
Organization of this book
Which parts of this workbook should you use? Probably all
of it. Most people will find that at least part of each chapter applies to
their own situation. There may be certain areas, however, in which you have
particular difficulty. You will want to pay special attention to the chapters
on those topics.
Part One
Entitled "Understanding Assertiveness" Part One covers
most of the concepts involved in being assertive. Chapter One defines the four
primary communication styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, and
passive-aggressive. Because these definitions form the keystone of everything
that follows, you should be sure to read the chapter. It includes exercises
designed to help you determine which of the styles you use the most, and which
situations you find most difficult. It also presents reasons why the assertive
style usually works better than the alternatives.
If it's true that assertiveness leads to better outcomes
in most situations, why isn't everyone assertive all the time? Unfortunately,
it's not that easy. Being assertive requires 1) that you have some very
specific skills, and 2) that you use these skills when it is appropriate to do
so. Even when you have the right skills, something may hold you back. Chapters
Two through Four describe the barriers to assertive behavior.
Chapter Two reviews the impact of stress on
communication, and how the stress response actually pulls us away from using
the assertive style. Suggestions are provided on how to reduce stress in your
life and overcome stress-related barriers to effective communication.
Chapter Three discusses how the expectations of others can
make it more difficult for us to be assertive. Over the years you may have
unintentionally led others to expect nonassertive behavior from you, and they
may react less favorably than you might think to the changes you want to make.
Chapter Three also considers the effect of your gender on others'
expectations.
In Chapter Four you are invited to consider your own
belief system, and how it might impose barriers to assertiveness. Becoming
aware of self-defeating beliefs is an essential step toward discarding them.
You might never behave assertively until you have surmounted the belief
barrier.
Chapter Five suggests a series of positive, supportive
beliefs for you to consider. These beliefs are associated with assertive
action, and can assist in guiding your decisions about the way that you
communicate.
Once you have dealt with the barriers to assertive
behavior, you are ready to begin practicing the skills involved. But first,
Chapter Six provides a checklist of some last-minute concepts, tips, and
guiding principles to take with you on the journey.
Part Two
Part Two is entitled "Becoming Assertive", and focuses on
the actual skills used in assertive communication. Each chapter in this section
includes one or more practical exercises designed to help you to master the
skills. It will be important for you to make these exercises a priority if you
really want to develop your ability to communicate in an assertive way.
Nonverbal communication tells others about our
expectations, attitudes, and level of confidence. Even the best assertive
communication can be undermined by a poor nonverbal style. Chapter Seven
reviews the various elements of nonverbal behavior and compares the assertive,
passive, and aggressive styles (the passive-aggressive style typically mimics
passive nonverbal behavior). A series of exercises provides strategies for
honing an assertive nonverbal style.
Are you able to express your opinion effectively while
leaving room for others to think differently? This essential relationship skill
lies at the heart of the concept of being present with others, and is presented
in Chapter Eight.
Chapters Nine through Twelve consider the issues of
providing and receiving feedback in relationships. Chapter Nine opens the topic
by considering a skill that seems simple, but is a surprisingly frequent source
of difficulty: receiving compliments. Some of the most common traps are
covered, along with the distorted thinking underlying them.
Next we consider the giving of positive feedback. Most
people are stingier with positive feedback than they need to be, and this
reluctance is motivated by a variety of fears. Chapter Ten challenges these
ideas and provides specific recommendations for giving positive feedback that
is useful to the person receiving it.
In Chapter Eleven the value of negative feedback is
discussed, along with the difficulty of gleaning useful information from the
criticism we receive. Suggestions are made for defusing the anger that
frequently accompanies negative feedback, as well as for narrowing criticism to
the real issue at hand.
Chapter Twelve covers behavior that many people avoid and
that most others cannot do effectively: giving negative (or constructive)
feedback. Strategies are given for providing such feedback in a way that is
useful and not hurtful. The accompanying practice exercises are designed to
increase your comfort with these situations.
Who's in charge of your life? Chapter Thirteen argues that
if you aren't able to say "no" then it certainly isn't you. The ability to
refuse unreasonable requests is an essential skill of self-determination. This
chapter considers the fears that hold people back and provides a set of skills
involved in setting and maintaining personal boundaries.
Chapter Fourteen puts the shoe on the other foot by
discussing strategies for making requests of others. Some people avoid making
requests altogether, while others make demands rather than requests. A
structured four-step strategy for phrasing requests is presented, plus a set of
exercises designed to increase your confidence and comfort in translating your
plans into action.
All of the skills in the book come into play when you find
yourself in difficult conflict-laden situations. The final two chapters deal
with confrontation. Chapter Fifteen argues that confrontation is an essential
though sometimes painful aspect of almost any close relationship, and that
adequate preparation on your part can make confrontations go much more
smoothly. It provides a ten-step preparation strategy that considers issues
such as defining the real problem, envisioning your goal, assessing your own
responsibilities, and choosing your time and setting. Chapter Sixteen deals
with the confrontation itself, and presents fifteen strategies for keeping the
discussion on topic and moving toward a solution.
Throughout, remember that this is a workbook. You will
find self-assessments, exercises, practice session advice, and so on. These are
essential elements in learning to be more assertive.
